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me babbling

gone + come back

Here I am again. Today was kinda shitty. Iīm sick, I hurt all over, the toilet is my best friend ... XD And I have an urge to write something. Hooray for the human need for self pity. XD Yeah, itīs lame and pathetic. But itīs good. XD Still itīs funny why ppl talk more about the bad stuff than the good. But hey, whoīd sit here updating a journal if there was something fun to do? Eh? See ... XD

Anyway ...

As you might have read on DA Iīve been to Turkey one week!

This came as a big surprise. My Mom won a trip for 2. WON! Oh my ... I never though these thing actually happen. But it did. oO My Dad canīt fly anymore, so I went with her (and felt and still feel guilty, although itīs not my fault). Ah, I so love being *on the road* ... I feel so much more alive! Like I can leave my stoopid life, my crazy mind, thoughts, problems behind ... at least for the time traveling ... and enjoy life, like one should. ;_;

Turkey was awesome! We had such luck. The weather was extremely good for the end of October, sunny most of the time, perfect beach weather! :D OK, Iīm not so much a beach person, with my sensitive skin and such. Mom and I spend our holidays mostly sight-seeing. I wanna see where I am! I wanna experience stuff, get to know the area, the ppl, the history! Enough time for swimming afterwards ... ^^
We had such a great guide. Attila. Loved him, really. Had so much fun with him and learned a lot. Iīm really grateful we got him ...

These days truly seemed unreal, like a dream ... so different ... I canīt believe how lucky I am sometimes. Do I deserve it? ._.

Anyway, the week went by way too fast. Like it always is with good things ... *sigh* And then ... you come back to reality. It can blow you away ... me for sure. x_X Itīs not only the shitty cold, wet, grey, dull weather - yeah, I hate the fucking November weather, I would lie if Iīd say otherwise - itīs my whole situation ... When I came back it hit me with full force again. No job anymore. Dependence. And the need to do something ... which brings back the pressure. Which brings back the stress, the fear, the panics ... the depression. x_X After the clinic I really though I made a big step away from it. But ... yesterday was a blow. God, I felt so shitty and pathetic again. A wreck. And then I think again ... am I strong enough to change? Strong enough to start something new. To TRY? And I donīt have the answer, because I donīt have confidence. *sigh* I wish I could be truly hopeful and confident ... Hello self pity, here we go again. XD Actually itīs just pure fucking desperation ... thank god thereīs galgenhumor. And ignorance. ^^

Sorry for bothering you with my shitty day thoughts. ^^
8.11.07 21:29


back for good?

Hello there, Iīm back home. Or am I? My mind isnīt, yet, thatīs how it feels to me. I feel a bit like Hape Kerkeling during the last days of his walk on the Camino - can recomment his book about it, btw. I also left my home to go on a journey, kinda, and it lead me to things and people I didnīt expect ...

Donīt wanna talk much about what happened in the clinic, much is private and better kept to myself, but I can say that these last weeks did help. I got out of a hole I was afraid Iīd stay in forever. I took some steps! Tiny, almost unnoticable for others probably, but huge for me ...

blabla, enough babbling just wanted to say I feel better ^^


Important: House and Heroes started again!!! YAY And I loooove the new episodes. Iīm excited as hell. Guess I canīt leave the web for good after all ...
5.10.07 17:38


baba

OK, just got the call. I can go to Erlabrunn next Monday!

Monday already! Weird. I did desire nothing more than to finally do something. Anything. But now that itīs official, Iīm scared again ... I wanna crawl into my bed and hide there and not go out, I donīt want another strange environment and strange people and feeling even more lonely and insecure and .. argh! The fight me vs. irrational fear is starting over again.

I hope Iīll calm down and settle things over the weekend, and can start the therapy with some optimism on Monday.
23.8.07 14:58


intro

Control

It's not the way I go
It's not the way I go
Noone here hears me
I'm sick of people knowing me
Life's confusing me
There's so much I don't see
something's controlling me
It's no way to live
I haven't got a thing to give
And those signs trade off
I'm a line from loud to soft
For what I have to say
I wanted to build a stage
I wanted to feel this way
All this things are real
I don't know my own field
You will prove me wrong
I don't know one
I see now what I've got
It reveals just what is is not
Someday I'll take it away
There's nothing for me anyway
Love don't choose me
wide don't see a thing
What I'm saying is now
I don't know what it's about
I wander through the dawn
so much goes on
Who will make me run
I admit I might be wrong
These letters shelter me now
I wonder how

Artist: John Frusciante


This blog stayed empty for a long time. Had no interest to share anything with anyone. Might change. Might not. ATM Iīm tempted to work on the site a bit. So, some things might actually happen in here. Watch out. ^^
22.8.07 11:29