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gone + come back

Here I am again. Today was kinda shitty. Iīm sick, I hurt all over, the toilet is my best friend ... XD And I have an urge to write something. Hooray for the human need for self pity. XD Yeah, itīs lame and pathetic. But itīs good. XD Still itīs funny why ppl talk more about the bad stuff than the good. But hey, whoīd sit here updating a journal if there was something fun to do? Eh? See ... XD

Anyway ...

As you might have read on DA Iīve been to Turkey one week!

This came as a big surprise. My Mom won a trip for 2. WON! Oh my ... I never though these thing actually happen. But it did. oO My Dad canīt fly anymore, so I went with her (and felt and still feel guilty, although itīs not my fault). Ah, I so love being *on the road* ... I feel so much more alive! Like I can leave my stoopid life, my crazy mind, thoughts, problems behind ... at least for the time traveling ... and enjoy life, like one should. ;_;

Turkey was awesome! We had such luck. The weather was extremely good for the end of October, sunny most of the time, perfect beach weather! :D OK, Iīm not so much a beach person, with my sensitive skin and such. Mom and I spend our holidays mostly sight-seeing. I wanna see where I am! I wanna experience stuff, get to know the area, the ppl, the history! Enough time for swimming afterwards ... ^^
We had such a great guide. Attila. Loved him, really. Had so much fun with him and learned a lot. Iīm really grateful we got him ...

These days truly seemed unreal, like a dream ... so different ... I canīt believe how lucky I am sometimes. Do I deserve it? ._.

Anyway, the week went by way too fast. Like it always is with good things ... *sigh* And then ... you come back to reality. It can blow you away ... me for sure. x_X Itīs not only the shitty cold, wet, grey, dull weather - yeah, I hate the fucking November weather, I would lie if Iīd say otherwise - itīs my whole situation ... When I came back it hit me with full force again. No job anymore. Dependence. And the need to do something ... which brings back the pressure. Which brings back the stress, the fear, the panics ... the depression. x_X After the clinic I really though I made a big step away from it. But ... yesterday was a blow. God, I felt so shitty and pathetic again. A wreck. And then I think again ... am I strong enough to change? Strong enough to start something new. To TRY? And I donīt have the answer, because I donīt have confidence. *sigh* I wish I could be truly hopeful and confident ... Hello self pity, here we go again. XD Actually itīs just pure fucking desperation ... thank god thereīs galgenhumor. And ignorance. ^^

Sorry for bothering you with my shitty day thoughts. ^^
8.11.07 21:29
 


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